On a daily basis I struggle with tons of stuff. Sometimes I don’t think I am pretty enough or small enough. Other times I am not smart enough or strong enough, but nothing has been harder than dealing with forgiveness. Over my short 25 years on this earth I have been hurt by many people. First it was my Dad, then it was people in my family, and then my peers and so forth and so on but the biggest person I have been hurt by was myself. For years I walked around with a chip on my shoulder about certain things people had done to me in the past. I had gotten so used to walking around with all that baggage that I didn’t realize that I was carrying around these negative emotions. One day I realized that in order to grow as a person I had to address the issues that were holding me back in life. After some self reflection I learned that the person I had the most trouble forgiving was myself.
I have always been overly critical of myself, I can remember when something didn’t go the way I wanted it too I would sit for hours and feed myself negative thoughts because I thought it was the easiest way to deal with the issues I had in my life. I am so hard on myself and I never knew why until recently. Whenever a negative event happens in my life I always blame myself for allowing myself to be put in that compromising position and yes self-responsibility is everything BUT there is a difference between taking responsibility and taking the blame for something you had no control over. I always told myself “this negative experience is your fault” it was my fault that I was verbally abused, it was my fault that the guy I love doesn’t love me back, it was my fault when I didn’t feel beautiful, it was my fault when I didn’t get the recognition I deserved for my hard work, everything was always my fault.
I realized that there are times were certain hardships in life could have been avoided but in life there are certain aspects we cannot control. The only thing I can control is the way I choose respond and recover from any situation. I had to learn that to truly forgive others I have to forgive myself first. I never felt healed or over negative events because I would always carry the negative energy around through the blaming of myself. Forgiving the people who hurt you doesn’t set them free or let them off the hook it just clears your heart for growth. Keep learning, keep moving, and most of all keep growing.